Out of the Depths: Dealing with Guilt

Lectionary Reading: Psalm 130

For centuries in the season of Lent, early Christians recited the “7 Penitential Psalms” – each Psalm picked by ancient monks because of the display of guilt, the call for hope, and the expectation of rescue from sins, enemies, and situations. The 7 Penitential Psalms are:

Psalm 6 – A prayer in times of sorrow
Psalm 32 – A prayer to celebrate forgiveness
Psalm 38 – A prayer to recognize God’s anger
Psalm 51 – A prayer of confession
Psalm 102 – A prayer in the presence of enemies
Psalm 130 – A prayer in time of trouble
Psalm 143 – A prayer for rescue

Of these seven, the one that the lectionary picks for this Sunday in Lent is Psalm 130 – This psalm not only resonates with the Psalmist’s deep faith in God, but shows a map to deal with that hobgoblin of spirit and truth – Guilt

What HIV is to the blood, guilt is to the Spirit of God within us. Guilt eats away at us, sometimes invisible on the surface, and other times creating reactions that show through all of our attempts to conceal them, creating havoc and destruction in its wake. It comes into our life through various ways – the well meaning, accidental lessons of parents to children they want to behave, the lines drawn across our life paths from teachers, preachers, mentors and friends, and the internalized “shoulds” we get from myths, media and messages around us.

It’s not very hard to know how we get it. The question is, how do we get rid of it? Lent isn’t just about recognizing and repenting – it’s also about recovering and relationship.

Rabbi Naomi Levy (one of the first female Conservative Rabbi’s in the US) wrote a book of prayers to help people deal with the real life recovery and relational situations titled “Talking to God”. There are prayers for young parents worried about the future, young women looking for love, and blessings for weddings, funerals and coming of age. There are also prayers you won’t find anywhere else – a prayer for a woman who has had an abortion, a prayer for a man going through divorce, a prayer for parents of children with special needs, a prayer for a survivor of personal trauma, and a prayer for a spouse who has had an affair, a prayer for someone dealing with vanity. I have used these prayers and many more countless times in ministry and care and witnessed their power.

Her prayer about guilt resonates with everything that is wrong about guilt. Guilt usually isn’t based on what we have done or what we are responsible for doing. More often than not guilt eats away at us for things we imagine we should have done differently, better, or impossibly. Guilt isn’t based on our sinful realities (that’s consequence). Guilt is based on our imagined deficiencies. Yet even as we read her prayer, we know it’s a cry from deep within our souls.

A Prayer to Subdue Guilt

“I’ve been blaming myself, God, for the tragedy that has befallen me. The thoughts keep running through my mind. I could have done more. I should have done more. But none of my self doubt is helping to erase the past. Teach me, God, to believe I do not deserve to be punished forever. Help me to forgive myself. Help me to love myself as you see me, despite my weakness. Show me your love, today and always. Amen.”

Talking to God, page 154.

Much in the same way as the liberating prayer helps us identify and reckon with the guilt in our life – Psalm 130 shows the three tools we can use to get through it and heal from it.

Call Out

“Out of the depths, I cry to you O Lord” – The psalmist calls out to God from that place where guilt has taken him. The bible is full of people who call out to God from the depths: Jeremiah from the depths of a dungeon, Daniel from the depths of a lion’s den, Paul from the depths of prison, and Christ from the depths of agony on the cross. It is the first step to release and repentance. Calling out to God about the things we hold deep within us.

We all carry the secret self in our hearts. Counselors typically call it the “If persona” as in: “Oh sure, they like me – but IF they only knew what I was really like – they’d turn away” or “My boss keeps promoting me, but IF he only knew how little I know, he’d fire me” or “People say I’m strong, but IF they only knew what I did (or didn’t do) they would see how weak I really am.”

The way to begin to work with God to heal is to admit to God (and sometimes to others – after all, a psalm isn’t a diary – people heard these songs out loud!) that “If person” is in us, and needs to be set free. Call out from your depths, and examine the ideas churning guilt like an underground spring in your soul.

Perspective

“If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, who could stand?” – The psalmist begins to recognize the problem isn’t that God doesn’t forgive him. God keeps no records of our atoned wrongs. Like a loving parent who remembers our childhood from a collection of refrigerator pictures and mother’s day gifts, instead of every misspoken word or disobedient rally we had as teens, God remembers us not by the list of sins we’ve committed but the love and reconciliation we have made together.

This perspective helps us let go of useless guilt – the “I should have known”, “I could have done things differently”, “I would have given…” phrases that keep us up at night. When we surrender to God’s forgiveness, we can be free to forgive ourselves too. Because, if God forgives us – who are we to hold on?

Expectation

“My soul waits for the Lord and in his word I put my hope” – the psalmist recognizes healing and deliverance take time. He doesn’t just cry out, feel forgiven and go on with his day blessed and happy. Although our guilt has been relieved immediately by God’s love repairing the damage already done will take more than a minute. Yet, even as he waits not just “feel better” but to “be better” the psalmist knows it is going to happen. Want to know the best tool in your box for releasing needless guilt? Hope.

When we cry out and understand that our God is the God of hope not the impossible “should haves”, we may have to review and release a few times before our minds, bodies, souls and circumstances are actually willing to let go. Yet even then – when regrets threaten to mount – we have the hope that knows God’s love, God’s future, God’s power will get us through this and we will be free.

Never give up calling out. Never give up tools, and perspectives. Never, never, never give up on God.

A Prayer When We Are Too Hard On Ourselves

“Teach me how to love, God. I am so critical of myself. I set such high standards for myself. I accept shortcomings in others, but I am so unforgiving of myself. Help me, God. Teach me how to enjoy my life. Remind me to be kind to myself. Show me how to embrace the person that I am. Soften my heart, God; open my eyes. Fill me with the capacity to treasure my life. Thank you, God, for creating me. Amen.”

Talking to God, p 235.

Amen, and Amen.

Is It A Sin?

Lectionary Reading: Romans 4:1-8;13-17

One of the questions I hear a lot starts with, “Is it a sin to….” The end of the question varies – “to commit suicide”, “to get angry”, “to divorce an abusive husband”, “to use birth control”… depending on the issue at hand. The sad thing is, I hear a lot more talk about sin than salvation and a lot more consternation about being slaves to sin than celebration about being free in love.

Paul seems to have been hearing the same stuff from the Roman church. In Chapter 4 he launches into a tirade about Abraham, reminding the people that Abraham didn’t inherit the blessings of God because he was sinless (in fact, in you know anything about Abraham you know he had quite a few recorded sins) but because he was loved by God, and God forgave his sins. Paul stresses the important thing is not the law of interpretation, but the love of God. It’s a funny soapbox for a man who spent most of his life as a Pharisee – a teacher of the law. Yet his speech points out some neat things for us too.

Not Every Bad Thing Is A Sin!

I think one of the reason sin is so prevalent in our world is that we talk so much about it and have trivialized it to the point that everything seems like a sin. When we do that the real destruction caused by actual sin goes unnoticed amidst all the judgment over petty issues and personal ideals. There is a difference between casual acts of humanity that may not be in our best interest and sin. In Romans 4 Paul points out a scripture from the old testament that says, “Blessed are they
whose transgressions are forgiven,
and whose sins are covered.”

Transgressions and sins are different things. It reminds me of the old preacher’s joke. A woman walks up to her Pastor one day after church and says “You have to forgive me pastor, I am subject to a terrible sin. The sin of pride has gotten me.” The concerned pastor frowned and asked her, “what do you mean?”. “Well,” she began. “Every Sunday I look at all the women in church and realize I am the prettiest of them all. The whole time you are preaching I become aware of my beauty and how much better looking I am than the rest of your congregants.” The pastor laughed and said, “Oh Mrs. Jones – that’s not a sin. That’s a mistake!”

There is a difference in the two! Transgression means literally “To step across” (American Heritage Dictionary). It means to walk across a boundary. When we step outside of God’s will for us, we are transgressing. Its not hard to do – particularly when some parts of God’s will (where we should work, how we should vote or think about things like abortion, suicide, divorce or war) are not very clear. Still when we step over the boundaries, we are transgressing.

Sin is a conscious betrayal of God’s will by our action or inaction. Sin is when we know exactly what God wants, and deliberately do the other. Sin strikes as the very heart of God and God’s desire for who we are. I think its a mistake (but not a sin) to call every thing that someone does we find to be unacceptable a “sin”. What it does is surround us with sin – and overwhelm us with a sense of spiritual helplessness. By labeling everything sin, nothing gets examined – we just chalk it up to our “fallen nature”, ask forgiveness and move forward. But a transgression – that we could heal, learn from, or discover with – if only we did more than slap a skull and crossbones label on it and surrender to it. A sin reflects a betrayal of a deity. We may transgress against each other – but we do not sin against each other.

More clearly – there are differences between transgressions (forgiven) and sins (covered).

Transgression
Stepping over the boundaries
Sometimes we know where the boundaries are
Sometimes we don’t
We can transgress and not mean to do that
We can learn from transgressions
We can transgress against one another
We can be forgiven
We can forgive others

Sin
Deliberately betraying God
We know what God’s laws are
We know when we are stepping over them
We intentionally are choosing to disobey God – you can’t accidentally sin.
We can learn from the consequences of sin
We cannot sin against one another - a sin is a betrayal of deity
We can be forgiven by God
We cannot forgive the sins of another (only God can forgive)

By keeping a clear view of what we are doing – we are more spiritually prepared to learn from, seek forgiveness and allow God to change our behavior.

Its about Grace!

Further Paul goes on to remind the Romans once again that you cannot “work” out your salvation and you can’t work to get forgiveness. It is the Grace of God that frees you from your transgressions and covers your sins. When we spend so much time obsessed with what is a sin and what are the consequences – we miss the whole point of Christianity which is that Jesus Christ died and rose again to take this matter off our hands (and off our minds). Christ wants a glorifying body that reflects his love, power, change and peace to the world. But just going over again and again our sinful natures – we aren’t bringing anyone closer to God – we are simply hamsters on the wheel of guilt.

Its important people study the bible and know the absolute will of God. Its also important for people to study the bible so they know where the boundaries are and are less likely to transgress against God. But it is critical Paul reminds us – to dwell and celebrate the Grace of God that saves us, and embraced Abraham.

So in your life, instead of always asking the backwards question “Is it a sin….” Start by asking the frontwards question – “What does God want me to do or say” or “Is it the gospel?” –The Bible says every morning God’s mercy is new for us. It’s a new day. Don’t dwell on the failure. Live your life on the faith.

The Wrong Side of Good

Lectionary Reading: 1 Timothy 1:12-17

For about 10 years I was the Camp Director for Chi-Rho (7th and 8th grade), CYF (Christian Youth Fellowship – High school) and College camp. I loved camp weeks – they were exhausting, emotional and amazing. The CYF camp ended their week with a dance and a “last campfire” where the kids were allowed to stand up and “give testimony” about what God had done for them. Unfortunately, amidst the heartfelt praises and prayers, some young folks felt a need to compete for the spot of “worst life/sin/trauma and by the end it seemed like a contest of who had the most hideous experience that God had redeemed them from. One year, a shy senior named Rikki changed all that.

In her three previous CYF years she had never given testimony. She was a smart and quiet girl with the gift of listening and a great sense of humor. At the AYC planning meeting she remarked dryly, “I hate testimony night. In one hour I realize all the kids I respect are needy, drug addicted psychos with bad families and it makes me think the laughter I have shared with them all year was a lie.” Thus, I was surprised when after 2 kids who had tried drugs, one who was “sexually tempted” (3 years running), 2 ugly step-parent stories and 1 suicide of a friend (whom no one had ever heard of before), that Rikki stood in the testimony box. To this day I remember what she said:

“I never gave a testimony before, because I felt like I didn’t have one and I feel guilty for my blessings. My parents love each other and they love me. I grew up in church and I did the very best I could to please my mom and dad and make them proud. I fought with my brother sometimes but I love him, and I know he loves me. I got good grades, never tried drugs, don’t care about sex, and know Jesus died to forgive the sins I have committed, even if they weren’t very big. I guess my testimony is that you don’t have to fall apart for God to be in your life.”

I was in awe of Rikki and her simple honesty, and respect her to this day for it. For the first year in my camp memory, testimony night was really about God.

Paul's Testimony

In the first epistle of Timothy Paul seems tempted to tell people of the extremes in his conversion. He begins talking about himself and his sins. The letter becomes like a TV confessional. Paul: Extreme Makeover. That fact that he refers so much to himself is what makes many bible scholars say this epistle wasn’t written by Paul, but by one of his students who is using his name and authority to keep his traditional message alive. No matter which side of the scholarly “Did he or didn’t he write this?” you fall on – there is a message here all of us.

Paul was a Pharisee, scholar, and zealot for the cause of legalistic Judaism. He wasn’t just some Rabbi on a street corner; he was a political up-and-comer with a fantastic mind, good credentials and Roman citizenship. He had “leader of the San Hedrin” written all over him. He wasn’t just holy – He was the holiest. So holy, in fact, that he was willing to kill Jews who followed Jesus, just to preserve the purity of his faith.

Then he hears God, goes blind, and opens his eyes to Jesus Christ. Suddenly, and with great shame, he realizes all he had told himself was right, was wrong. Suddenly, he discovers he was on the wrong side of good.

Imagine the guilt he must have felt. How would it feel to make a stand for traditionalism, harm the spiritual heart of people by telling them they are outside of God’s plan and condemn them to death only to discover that you were wrong? Imagine Paul’s testimony night as he stands before the campfire recounting the lives he ruined by thinking God didn’t want them.

Our first thought is to say: Well, he made up for it! He started churches all over the world. He taught Christ to countless generations and he was whipped, tortured and killed for preaching Christ. For every one person he killed, there were 50 more he helped find eternal life! But in Paul’s head – the scales weren’t balancing. In Paul’s head (human heads are always the hardest place for forgiveness to reach) -he was the worst sinner ever. What does God give Paul to help him get through the guilt and to the grace? Education, Eternity and Example.

Education:

Paul admits his error was not one of malice, but of ignorance. He thought he was doing good! He crossed the line from discernment into judgment. He sat in God’s chair by accident. “Not everything is permissible or good”, Paul himself will later tell us. However, the idea isn’t to go around judging people, but discerning God’s desire. Discern is a Greek word – (discere) – it means “to seek what is hidden”. When we are trying to discover what the right side of good is, we need to look for what is hidden –God’s will - not our opinion (our opinions are rarely hidden). God teaches Paul, and reclaims him.

Eternity:

In a moment of great grace God through Christ gives Paul eternal life and forgiveness. Those two must go together. There is not point in forgiveness if you are going to die. It is cruel to live forever if you aren’t going to be forgiven. Paul celebrates the fact that no life is so lost that Christ cannot find it, and no work is so good that you don’t need Christ. Eternal life is a gift of God, no matter what your testimony may be. We need to forgive those who harm us with their idea of “rightness” and pray they learn of God’s grace and find freedom for their future as well.

Example:

One of my favorite texts in the New Testament is First Timothy 1:16. “But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.” In other words – my entire life is an example of JUST how patient and forgiving God can be. It reminds me of a poster I saw recently on the Demotivation website. In it a ship is sinking into the sea. The caption reads: “It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.” That’s what Paul is saying in his humbled state. My life proves God can forgive and put up with anyone. That’s quite a change from the top Pharisee who had a reputation for being always right. We come through grace and education to Christ, not only so we can live forever, but so we can shine that example to others on the journey.

I still keep in touch with Rikki, who has a Masters and followed her dream to teach English in Russia and her current life, like her early days, is still really good. Paul’s life ended just as violently as he had lived the early part of it– with his execution. Yet, Christ secured eternity for both of them, and forgives them just the same. No matter which side of good you find yourself in, there is forgiveness, education and eternity for you through Jesus Christ. Claim it, and praise God forevermore. Get rid of your guilt, and make your life really about God.