Spirituality is ... A Choice

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Ginny Owens, "If You Want Me To" 

Years ago, the church I attended had a "spirituality class" they were promoting as part of an adult Christian education event.  It was the usual fare -- Potluck dinner, games for the kids, and class for adults.  What was supposed to make this so special was the spirituality expert the church had contracted to lead the event.  Instead of relying on in-house/in-region talent - the church had been given a donation to bring in a certified spiritual guru who taught classes in spiritual formation, ecumenical understanding, and meditative practices at a well known seminary.  Wow.  

We gathered for class full of anticipation and excitement. Around the room he had a gong, some chimes, colorful prayer flags, and an incense burner.  He talked in one of those lisping gentle voices and kept his eyes half-closed when he spoke of the Spirit - which made it look as if he could see Heaven itself or he was strung out on opium.  He clanged the gong at certain intervals, lit the incense, and chimed the chimes. He talked of history and mysteries. He lifted his hands to the heavens and drew a circle to bring us in.  It was, without doubt, the worst education experience I ever had.  What happened?

• The gong  gave me a headache
• The colorful flags distracted me (and one was hanging crooked, which really challenged my concentration)
• The chimes were atonal, and annoying
• The incense stirred up my asthma and its putrid smell hung in that room for days

Later that night someone asked me, "Well, what did you learn?"

"What I learned," I replied still rubbing my aching head. "Was that you can't 'make' something spiritual. It either is or it isn't." 

A few weeks later an elder of the church named Myra needed a ride to the doctor's office and invited me to lunch afterward. I didn't know her very well, and am generally awkward around people who are new to me. However, she put me at ease. She talked about her husband and how she had only known him 2 weeks before she married him, because he was going overseas to fight in WWII. He didn't write many letters, but did send her post cards from places far away.  She told me the night almost 2 years later when he returned home from the war was as nerve-wracking and exciting as their wedding night. She talked of getting to know him while already having been married to him, of raising kids, and the challenges of living on very little then living on more.  She told me how she missed him since he passed away, and how she knew the night she arrived in Heaven and saw him again would be as nerve-wracking and exciting as those nights before.  It was, without a doubt, one of the most spiritually enlivened lunches I ever had.  

Reflecting, I realize now that the main difference between those two events was me. The Holy Spirit was in both rooms but I was annoyed and uncomfortable with the guru. I chose to block out a lot of what he said. I was open and interested in Myra and chose to take what she said in.  He drew a circle that I did not want to enter. She drew a circle that I willingly stepped toward.  Spirituality - particularly allowing spiritual moments - is a choice we make.

Sometimes we tend to think of spirituality as something that "happens to us" or "happens around us".  However, our conscious choices determine whether the door is open or closed. We choose whether or not to be open and receptive to the call of God, or the inspiration of the Spirit.  We choose whether or not to make space in our lives for such encounters. We choose whether or not we will do what God tells us.  One of the great gifts of spirituality is the understanding that God doesn't push or puppet us. God gives us the choice.

• When pain and loss happens - we can walk away angry, or we can run to God for comfort.
• When joy and new life happens - we can congratulate ourselves, or we can share the blessing with God.
• When we have a test - we can study but not pray, pray but not study, or put both together.
• When we need some direction - we can search and reach, or stop and wait, or wander.

God has ideas about what God would prefer we do - but the choice is still up to us.  So, if you find your spiritual well seeming low or your heart of faith less than inspired - look at some of the choices you are making and see if you can discern which ones can open the doors a little wider.

How do we know what choices help us along a spiritual journey? In his closing comments to the Philippians the Apostle Paul gives us a good list.

 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.  Philippians 4:8-9

 When Myra and I finished our lunch that day I told her that was one of the most spirit-filled, fun lunches I had experienced. She laughed politely and said, "Oh, I'm not sure I'm a very spiritual person."

     "How can you say that?" I asked, surprised.

     "Well, you remember that spirituality fellow we had at church a few weeks ago?" she asked, lowering her voice as if she intended to tell me a huge secret. 

     "Yes, I remember," I responded, my head feeling a phantom pain.

     "I must not be very spiritual," she continued. "Because I sure didn't get a thing out of that!"

Chiaroscuro: The Clear Dark

Chiaroscuro: The Clear Dark

Lectionary Reading: Ephesians 5:8-14

Anybody who enjoys language inevitably picks out words they love to say or hear. When I was in middle school I fell in love with the word “Lugubrious”(mournful and brooding) after a teacher said a 500 word essay should not be written lugubriously. By high school I picked up “Isomorphism” (a mathematic concept in linear algebra of one-to-one correspondence of sets) as my word love affair. I frequently stated my chess club and math club were isomorphic (yea, that’s the nerd in “Shepnerd”). My favorite Hebrew word is “Tzedakah” (to give charity justly) and my favorite Greek word is Ekkletos which literally means “gathered in from different sources” and became the biblical word for “church”. My favorite Spanish word (out of the 7 or 8 I actually know correctly) is “Esperanza” (hope). But of all the words in all the languages in all the world – my favorite word is “Chiaroscuro”.

Chiaroscuro is a word used to describe the interplay between darkness and light. It’s used in art, in photography and interior design. It comes from a combination of two Latin words: Ciarus (Clear) and Obscurus (Dark). The clear dark. Shadow and light. Darkness and dawn. What a perfect metaphor for my life, and my faith. What a perfect way to describe what God is trying to do in our world through us – to make the night clear, and overcome the darkness with light. Paul certainly thought a lot of this symbolism. He uses darkness and light as one of the major analogies in his letters and the lectionary scripture for this week in Ephesians is a great example.

Reminding the Ephesians, and all of us, that we are children of light – even in the darkest of situations – Paul draws contrast to the differences between darkness and light. Let’s look at the Chiaroscuro.

The Surrounding Dark – The Comforting Light

There is darkness in our world and each of us encounters it sometime. Some go through long periods of their life journey when God seems far, or hope seems lost. They tend to call that the “dark time” of their life. Others can point to a singular event of blinding intensity that enshrouds them. Some folks have “dark people” who draw them into avenues or habits that nearly choke the light from their soul. Others have dark thoughts of emptiness or depression – described by Catholic mystic St. John of the Cross as the “dark night of the soul”. The surrounding darkness is pervasive in our world.

Everyone has things they do, eat or run to when looking for comfort and light. Some people take walks when they are hurting and clear their head that way. Others write journals, go fishing, watch movies or drown their sorrows in a couple of pints of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream. For me, anytime I am about to be overcome by a surrounding darkness I resort to a technique I have used since I was a kid – listening to music in the dark, with the stereo lights on. When I still lived with parents, it was a huge all-in-one record, tape, and radio set with headphones (waking my parents up while listening to Van Halen at midnight would have definitely increased the darkness in my life!). As time went by the media changed – car radio, clock radio, boom box, centrally wired home theater system, modem shining in my office – but the comfort remains.

Not long ago, I sat in my office in the dark one night – praying and thinking – when I heard Kate Voegele’s “Its Only Life” sing…

"Tears are forming in your eyes
A storm is warning in the sky
The end of the world it seems
You bend down and you fall on your knees

Don't look away
Don't run away
Hey baby it's only life
Don't lose your faith
Don't run away
Hey baby its only life"

While it’s not the most theologically profound piece of secular music ever written (that would be Madonna’s “Crazy for You”), it touched me with the right message at the right time – encouraging me to face the issue and find perspective. That’s what the comforting light does. That’s why I love to hear music by the stereo lights.

It doesn’t seem a fair contest – A tiny green LED light or small blue modem flickering against the surrounding darkness – and yet the light always perseveres. Paul describes us as CHILDREN of light. Not warriors. Not lighthouses. Not supersonic lasers. Children: the smallest of people, the most vulnerable, the most fragile. Yet even when we feel so small and overpowered by the dark things we encounter – that tiny light of us – powered by the inextinguishable Spirit of God is enough to keep the darkness at bay.

The Initial Darkness – The Natural Light

Genesis tells us the world was in darkness until God said “Let there be light”. So darkness was first. It goes that way with us too. Each of us is born into a world with a certain amount of spiritual darkness. We are born knowing need, knowing hunger, needing touch and our parents provide that for us. Before too long our little baby brains figure out a great spiritual truth – we need a provider. But, once we start toddling along and learn to feed ourselves we buy into the idea that we have all we need. Even in Christian homes where prayer happens before every meal and Sunday school is the norm – the darkness of self-providence and ego comes upon us. As Paul tell us in this passage (approximately quoting Isaiah 60:1) – its time to wake up. Arise. Shine. (give God the glory, glory…).

There are 2 ways for people to wake up. First there is the sudden glaring beam of light way. In this method – the person pulls down the shades – covering all windows and closing all doors. At some point the alarm will ring and the shades will be raised or the light turned on all at once. After squinting in the painful reality of morning, the person becomes ready to embrace the day. While the method is fast, it is also quite jarring and visually painful. The other way is to leave the shades up and the door open. As the sun rises, so does the light – slowly, naturally – waking the person in small degrees. It can take a lot longer, but the pain is vastly lower.

Those are the two ways we wake up to God. Some people meet God through their every day life – through parents and school, through friends, church and mentors. Slowly they add to their faith and relationship with their creator. Others have a life crisis – a moment of loss or a moment of change or clarity profound in its ability to stun and blind. Then they see God and realize the light has come.

Peter and Paul are two good examples of this awakening. Peter saw the life of Jesus shine every day. He saw healing, heard sermons, engaged in prayer and conversation. Slowly with every footstep at Christ’s side (and through that dark night where his feet led him away from the savior) Peter saw the light. Paul didn’t get a couple years of lessons, tutoring, astounding forgiveness and commissioning. Paul was riding along when WHAM! Darkness in the form of blindness and three days later WHAM! Amazing, beautiful light.

Is it any wonder Paul tells us so much about chiaroscuro? Paul knows all about darkness and light.

We as people of God, as children of light, need to understand what Paul is saying - there are those unspeakable things that happen in the darkness that surrounds our world. But more than that – we need to know – like Paul – with no uncertainty that the light overcomes the darkness. Whether it comes shining in all at once from the Spirit, or slowly rises on a path of healing that takes time and wisdom– the light will shine on you, in you, and through you. The light will cleanse you of your sins, and heal you from your sorrows.

No one is so small that God cannot shine a light that drives even the greatest darkness from around them. Even now we live with hope and assurance that God will create for us a clear dark.

The Wrong Side of Good

Lectionary Reading: 1 Timothy 1:12-17

For about 10 years I was the Camp Director for Chi-Rho (7th and 8th grade), CYF (Christian Youth Fellowship – High school) and College camp. I loved camp weeks – they were exhausting, emotional and amazing. The CYF camp ended their week with a dance and a “last campfire” where the kids were allowed to stand up and “give testimony” about what God had done for them. Unfortunately, amidst the heartfelt praises and prayers, some young folks felt a need to compete for the spot of “worst life/sin/trauma and by the end it seemed like a contest of who had the most hideous experience that God had redeemed them from. One year, a shy senior named Rikki changed all that.

In her three previous CYF years she had never given testimony. She was a smart and quiet girl with the gift of listening and a great sense of humor. At the AYC planning meeting she remarked dryly, “I hate testimony night. In one hour I realize all the kids I respect are needy, drug addicted psychos with bad families and it makes me think the laughter I have shared with them all year was a lie.” Thus, I was surprised when after 2 kids who had tried drugs, one who was “sexually tempted” (3 years running), 2 ugly step-parent stories and 1 suicide of a friend (whom no one had ever heard of before), that Rikki stood in the testimony box. To this day I remember what she said:

“I never gave a testimony before, because I felt like I didn’t have one and I feel guilty for my blessings. My parents love each other and they love me. I grew up in church and I did the very best I could to please my mom and dad and make them proud. I fought with my brother sometimes but I love him, and I know he loves me. I got good grades, never tried drugs, don’t care about sex, and know Jesus died to forgive the sins I have committed, even if they weren’t very big. I guess my testimony is that you don’t have to fall apart for God to be in your life.”

I was in awe of Rikki and her simple honesty, and respect her to this day for it. For the first year in my camp memory, testimony night was really about God.

Paul's Testimony

In the first epistle of Timothy Paul seems tempted to tell people of the extremes in his conversion. He begins talking about himself and his sins. The letter becomes like a TV confessional. Paul: Extreme Makeover. That fact that he refers so much to himself is what makes many bible scholars say this epistle wasn’t written by Paul, but by one of his students who is using his name and authority to keep his traditional message alive. No matter which side of the scholarly “Did he or didn’t he write this?” you fall on – there is a message here all of us.

Paul was a Pharisee, scholar, and zealot for the cause of legalistic Judaism. He wasn’t just some Rabbi on a street corner; he was a political up-and-comer with a fantastic mind, good credentials and Roman citizenship. He had “leader of the San Hedrin” written all over him. He wasn’t just holy – He was the holiest. So holy, in fact, that he was willing to kill Jews who followed Jesus, just to preserve the purity of his faith.

Then he hears God, goes blind, and opens his eyes to Jesus Christ. Suddenly, and with great shame, he realizes all he had told himself was right, was wrong. Suddenly, he discovers he was on the wrong side of good.

Imagine the guilt he must have felt. How would it feel to make a stand for traditionalism, harm the spiritual heart of people by telling them they are outside of God’s plan and condemn them to death only to discover that you were wrong? Imagine Paul’s testimony night as he stands before the campfire recounting the lives he ruined by thinking God didn’t want them.

Our first thought is to say: Well, he made up for it! He started churches all over the world. He taught Christ to countless generations and he was whipped, tortured and killed for preaching Christ. For every one person he killed, there were 50 more he helped find eternal life! But in Paul’s head – the scales weren’t balancing. In Paul’s head (human heads are always the hardest place for forgiveness to reach) -he was the worst sinner ever. What does God give Paul to help him get through the guilt and to the grace? Education, Eternity and Example.

Education:

Paul admits his error was not one of malice, but of ignorance. He thought he was doing good! He crossed the line from discernment into judgment. He sat in God’s chair by accident. “Not everything is permissible or good”, Paul himself will later tell us. However, the idea isn’t to go around judging people, but discerning God’s desire. Discern is a Greek word – (discere) – it means “to seek what is hidden”. When we are trying to discover what the right side of good is, we need to look for what is hidden –God’s will - not our opinion (our opinions are rarely hidden). God teaches Paul, and reclaims him.

Eternity:

In a moment of great grace God through Christ gives Paul eternal life and forgiveness. Those two must go together. There is not point in forgiveness if you are going to die. It is cruel to live forever if you aren’t going to be forgiven. Paul celebrates the fact that no life is so lost that Christ cannot find it, and no work is so good that you don’t need Christ. Eternal life is a gift of God, no matter what your testimony may be. We need to forgive those who harm us with their idea of “rightness” and pray they learn of God’s grace and find freedom for their future as well.

Example:

One of my favorite texts in the New Testament is First Timothy 1:16. “But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.” In other words – my entire life is an example of JUST how patient and forgiving God can be. It reminds me of a poster I saw recently on the Demotivation website. In it a ship is sinking into the sea. The caption reads: “It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.” That’s what Paul is saying in his humbled state. My life proves God can forgive and put up with anyone. That’s quite a change from the top Pharisee who had a reputation for being always right. We come through grace and education to Christ, not only so we can live forever, but so we can shine that example to others on the journey.

I still keep in touch with Rikki, who has a Masters and followed her dream to teach English in Russia and her current life, like her early days, is still really good. Paul’s life ended just as violently as he had lived the early part of it– with his execution. Yet, Christ secured eternity for both of them, and forgives them just the same. No matter which side of good you find yourself in, there is forgiveness, education and eternity for you through Jesus Christ. Claim it, and praise God forevermore. Get rid of your guilt, and make your life really about God.